Jimmy Fallon has gone from SNL to doing unsuccessful movies to hosting late, late night television.  He has found his own with this gig and will take over The Tonight Show after the 2014 Winter Olympics.

Here are a few of his late night jokes:

  • They just discovered an Orson Welles film from 1938 that no one knew existed.  And get this, the title of the film is Too Much Johnson.  And if you want to find out more about it, take my advice and do NOT Google that title.
  • They just did this study that found that, if given a choice, most American would not want to live to the age of 120.  Yeah, people don’t want to be 120 except for that one group: people who are 119.
  • ABC has started looking for women who want to be contestants on the upcoming season of The Bachelor.  They said if you’re a smart, interesting woman–feel free to recommend a slutty friend who is neither of those things.
  • Last week, a woman in Nevada gave birth to a healthy baby boy in the bathroom of a Subway restaurant.  Afterwards, the manager said, “You still have to buy something.  Restrooms are for customers only.”
  • Jeff Bezos, the CEO of Amazom.com, just bought the Washington Post for 250 million dollars.  Yeah, it was weird–he just walked into the Post’s headquarters and said, “Add to cart.”  Since Bezos bought the Post before 11 AM, he got same-day delivery.
  • Time Warners announced that their CEO will resign at the end of the year.   They said they would have done it sooner, but that was the earliest they could get a technician to come out and install a replacement.
  • The producers of the next Star Wars movie say they will avoid using go as much aw possible so the film looks more realistic.  That’s good because whenever I watch aliens and robots fighting with lasers, my first reaction is, “Hmmm, seems pretty fake.”
  • A new study says its harder to sleep when there’s a full moon.  I sleep just fine when there’s a full moon.  When I wake-up, my clothes are torn and about seven people are dead, but other than that, I sleep fine.
  • A company in Japan has a new watch with a built-in breathalyzer that can tell you if you’re drunk.  It would probably work better if the watch didn’t always list the time as “5 o’clock somewhere.”